FMA Pizza Extravaganza
by Lady Kagewaki
Summary: ONE SHOT Roy and Riza both want it. Enjoy the lengths they both go through to gain it all for themselves. Little do they know they aren't the only ones who want it. What is it? Please R&R.


'Maybe on my right side?' Colonel Roy Mustang shifted his weight once more in his bed to try to find a comfortable position to sleep in. After a few minutes on his right side he tried laying on his stomach. He swore he could feel each of the springs pressing into his body. With his eyes closed, he furrowed his brow with irritation 'Springs? That's impossible. This is a new mattress!'

He rolled onto his back, hoping, sighing, trying desperately to find a comfortable position. His eyes popped open and they searched the ceiling for relief. "Dammit" he muttered.

He examined the shadows caused by the windows that crossed his moonlit ceiling. 'It's quiet. So quiet.' He was wide-awake. Roy crossed his arms behind his head and wiggled a little to settle once more under his blue blanket. 'It's springtime now. I always sleep better in the winter. The cold outside makes my bed much more inviting.'

The Colonel had many things on his mind that night; Lior, being Fuehrer, those Elric brothers, being Fuehrer, Maes Hughes, being Fuehrer. All these thoughts circled in his mind, spinning, faster and faster. It aggravated him that he couldn't get a hold of them and began to almost growl. He bolted upright in his bed and said sternly to the empty room "That's it!"

He hopped out of bed and decided to run in place. 'If I'm not sleeping because I'm not tired, I'll make myself tired!' He jogged over to his closet and pulled out a jump rope in his undershirt and pale blue boxers. He listened to the rope tap the floor as he jumped over it neatly in time.

Once he established a rhythm his mind began to wander again. He felt as though he and the rope were moving in slow motion. He tried to speed up the rope and found it did nothing but trip him. The rope caught one of his feet and caused him to fall forward. When he thudded into the ground he grimaced, not so much in pain but frustration.

'I think I know why I'm awake. I have something on my brain.' Roy decided to get dressed into his uniform. 'I always think better this way.'

Twenty minutes later Roy sat in his chair in full uniform and gloves twisting a small square piece of paper in his fingers. Over and over, he looked at the blank side then at the writing on the other. It was a phone number. He had called it before, but he hesitated to call again.

'Should I call?' Blank. Number. Blank. Number. 'I don't see why not. The last time was great.'

Roy looked at the phone and remembered the last time he called:

Riza and Roy sat at his desk in full uniform casually chowing down on a pizza. Pizza is an awkward food, but they both managed to keep their uniforms clean. "Good job Hawkeye. Your pizza skill is impressive"

"Thank you sir" she said seriously. Roy noted that her serious nature often times prevented her form getting his jokes.

Hakwkeye thought to herself 'He tells rotten jokes.'

Back in the present Roy crumpled the paper then flattened it open again. 'Should I call? Should I not? It _is_ Friday.'

He stroked his own face with indecision. He thought back to the rest of the evening again. 'It was so hot. I could have had it all night long' He said out loud "I need it and I need it now."

He resolved to call. He picked up the phone and dialed. It rang and the other party answered.

"Yes, I'd like to order the Friday pizza special…Mmhm with pepperoni…excellent."

Roy hung up the phone and wiped the sweat form his brow.

* * *

Riza Hawkeye woke up to the sound of her own stomach growling. 'This new FDA approved food pyramid just isn't cutting it for me.' Her stomach gurgled in reply. She sat up on the edge of her bed. 

She went down to the kitchen wearing her yellow pjs. She opened up the cupboards and saw nothing appealing. 'What do I want?' Riza had a feeling she wasn't the only one with hunger pangs. She opened up her wallet and it was empty.

Feeling desperate she followed her intuition. Her ravenous hunger led her to the front door. She stopped as she pulled her keys from a drawer under a mirror. She looked at herself in the mirror and touched the mess that was her hair.

Next thing she knew she was buttoning up her uniform and combing back her hair. She was about to clip it back in the severe twist as she was know to wear every day then decided to let her hair down.

She stood stiffly in front of the mirror uncomfortable with anyone but her dog seeing her with her hair down. She stomped her foot determined to overcome her shyness of personal situations. By the time she walked down the stairs she thought 'This is ridiculous. It's not a personal situation! I'm just hungry!'

She looked in the hall mirror and tied up her hair again.

* * *

The delivery boy came with Roy's food and left. The colonel smelled the box and oogled the bag of sweets he had ordered for dessert. He had removed his uniform coat and decided upon stuffing a large napkin into his collar. He opened the box and let the steam from the delicious pie hit his face. "Oh yeah!" he said out loud. He gently pulled a piece loose and opened his mouth wide. 

Riza stood outside the colonel's house at the gate. She opened the gate almost startled by the loud creaking noise it made

Roy heard the creaking of his front gate and ceased his move to eat. 'She's here! How did she know!?' The colonel's hunger was great that Friday and craved the entire pie plus the deserts all for himself. He dropped the piece of pizza back into the box and closed the lid.

Riza strolled up the stone walkway.

Roy spotted her blonde hair through the front window 'She's almost at the door!' He looked left at the kitchen and right towards the couch. 'Under the couch? Dammit she'll be able to smell it in either spot! I'll just have to tell her I finished it already. The doorbell rang. 'Shit!' He took the pie box and stuck it in an already full closet.

He opened the door, slightly out of breath. "Lieutenant, what a surprise please come in."

Riza eyed him suspiciously. "It's late, I'm sorry to bother you."

"What can I do for you?"

She took a look at him and could smell the divine pizza. "I was just in the neighborhood and saw your light on. Is everything alright Colonel?"

"Yes, of course" he said relaxing, but not offering her a seat. 'That's Riza for you. Ultra sensitive to detail. Next time I'll have to keep the lights off! She's not getting my pizza!' "Well if that's all then I'll see you—"

"No, it's not" she said sternly.

They both knew why she was there, but Riza would do anything but admit it outright. "Colonel I have a feeling you already know why I am here."

Roy thought he knew, but did not know for sure. Another reason for her late night visit popped into his overconfident mind. "Yes…I think I do."

Riza sighed a little and Roy thought more about why she might be there. He felt a little smoother and thought 'It's always a lot easier when they come to you.' "Come in, sit down." As Riza took a seat on the couch her mouth watered in anticipation.

Roy went into the kitchen and debated which way to go. 'He put a bottle of wine in the frig to chill then pulled out two glasses. 'Is she here to confess her undying passion for me? Or is it… could it be…'

'Pizza' thought Riza. She had never tasted anything like this pizza. It was like heaven on dough. A big chewy-lightly-crispy-on-the-outside-dough like heaven. She was never a big pizza lover, but this special little shop in Central was just too good to deny. Everyone thought so, it wasn't just her. 'If those damn banks didn't close so early I could have gotten some cash for a snack after my shift was up. I wouldn't be in this situation. Damn.'

She allowed herself to sink back into the couch. 'I hope he really does know why I'm here. I don't need him hitting on me.'

Her stomach stopped growling and began to sink once she heard the sound of wine glasses clinking.

* * *

'I can't just take out some wine. What if it really is for pizza…Shit!' Roy envisioned her slapping him with a court-martial for sexual harassment. Nevertheless he pulled out the wine bottle and picked up the glasses by the stems. 'I'll just have to dive into this one and follow my instinct.' 

Riza touched her hair thinking 'I tied it too tight. Damn, it hurts.'

Roy walked into the room with the wine and a blank face. Riza thought 'Wine? He DEFINITELY HAS THE WRONG IDEA!'

He said nothing, but approached the couch 'She looks a little excited about the wine. Roy you're on the right track! You're on FIRE!' "Some wine?"

Before Riza could say no, the band that held her hair snapped and her hair came tumbling down. Roy raised his eyebrows surprised at the timing.

He sat down next to her (too close in her opinion) and put the glasses down onto the table.

She pulled her hair back with her hands and fumbled with the band until she saw it had broken.

"Don't worry about that Lieutenant. I won't tell anyone I saw you with your hair down." He laughed to himself to cover up his nerves. As he poured the wine he thought 'She seems nervous now. Maybe she isn't here for THAT.' He stole a glance of her. He was looking away 'Naaaaaaaah. She wants me. She's just being shy. Nice profile.'

Riza could smell it. The pizza was still hot. She looked at the closet and swore the scent was wafting from there.

She turned back to see the Colonel eyeing her. He handed her the wine and said "For you."

She replied "I really shouldn't…" He looked confused, maybe even a little irritated. Then it hit her. The perfect excuse. "I haven't had much to eat."

The Colonels confidence began to waver. 'Maybe it is just the pizza.' "Let me see what I have to eat."

Before Roy could stand the closet door gave way. All of the junk inside press it's way out. The ironing board flew out, unfolded in front of the two and the pizza slid out on top of the ironing board as if it were a landing pad. It came to a perfect halt right in front of the two officers.

Not wanting to lose this opportunity Riza said "Perfect! This will do just fine!"

'No! No! No! It's all mine! You can't have any!' "Go ahead. Help yourself" said Roy, not really meaning it. 'Dammit! What do I do?' Riza opened the box. 'Is she really here just for that?

The heavenly scent of fresh delicious ingredients and hand tossed pizza floated up to Roy. The herbs, the sauce, the … "Pepperoni?" asked Riza.

'SCORE! Maybe she doesn't like pepperoni! Or better yet is allergic to it?' "Yes, it's one of my favorite toppings"

She looked at him and smiled "Me too!"

'Dammit! Think fast Roy! Save the pizza!' Roy reached out and touched her face 'Good that made her stop.'

Riza lowered the pizza 'What is he doing? NO! No! No confessions of love! Not now! I want this pizza! It's the best in all of Central! What is he going to say?! '

'What do I say? I've got nothing to say! I can't say hands off my pizza! That would seem petty and beneath me…'

"Colonel?"

'I could push this in my favor…' "Please, call me Roy."

'You play sneaky Colonel! I should have known you'd be able to defend your food!' "I don't know, Sir—"

Roy snuggled in closer brining his face close to hers. "Don't worry about that."

'Oh no! What if he cares about me? I can't' tell him '_I only love you for your pizza_!'

"It's aright Riza" he said gently, moving closer. He pushed himself right up next to her so one of her arms slid behind her back. She was forced to put down the slice. Riza swore mentally.

'VICTORY!' thought Roy. She saw he wouldn't' back away. Nor did he really want to. Her stomach growled again and he knew he had to take this to the next level "Riza" he said.

She pulled her eyes away from the pie in front of them 'He can't! This pie was meant to be mine! It came right out of the closet just for me!'

"Riza, there's something I've been meaning to tell you for some time…"

"Oh? What's that?" 'Don't tell me you love me you idiot! It's too soon! Plus…THE PIZZA!'

"You've been so dedicated to me right form the beginning…" 'What am I saying? I don't know what to say! What are these words spewing out of my mouth?' "You have so much to offer and yet you put it all on the line for me every day." 'Get away from my food!' "What I'm trying to say, Riza, what I'm trying to say is…"

Riza put her fingers up to his lips. Roy could **smell** the pepperoni on her fingers. "Don't say it" she said 'Not until I have my food.'

He took her hand thinking 'Of course I can't say it you're an ace with a hand gun. If this isn't why you're here then I'd be screwed! You're wearing your favorite piece!'

He took her hand in his and kept her fingers pressed to his lips 'Oh man! I can smell it on her. My pizza!'

He opened his eyes and saw her looking at him. Her eyes were wide and she was alarmed. "Fine" he said "I won't. I won't _say_ anything." He took his other arm and slid it down around her waist bringing her body closer to him than she had ever been before.

"Colonel!" she said shocked.

He looked dreamily into her light brown orbs with his dark piercing eyes and whispered "If I can't say it, let me…" and he kissed her.

Riza's mind spun. 'What do I do? Will I go this far for the pizza? This does feel rather pleasant. Kudo's Colonel for being such a good kisser! Wait wait!'

'Crap, now what? I'm kissing her. We're both hungry. Do I have to exhaust her so I can have my pizza?' The thought did appeal to him, but he didn't think he had it in him. He hadn't been sleeping well and was quite tired.

Riza's mind was spinning 'How hungry am I? How…oh wow…' The Colonel pressed himself on her pushing her beneath him. He began to spread his kisses down on her neck, and began to peel away her uniform. 'Her neck! Yes, I can do this! I can exhaust her then have the pizza all to myself!'

'NO! I'll be too tired to eat!' Riza gazed up at the pizza box resting on top of the ironing board. She wondered if she could sneak a slice while the Colonel was distracted. While Roy lost himself in the lieutenants neck Riza raised her hand towards the pizza box. When she saw it was out of reach she decided to try another technique.

Roy closed his eyes with confidence. 'This is great! I'm keeping her away from my pizza and getting laid!'

"Colonel?" asked Riza quietly.

"I said you could call me Roy" mumbled the Colonel between kisses.

"I..I would feel more comfortable if I were on top, sir" said Riza.

Roy was stuck. "Well…uh…"

He looked up at Riza's stern eyes and she asked "You don't have a problem with the woman on top,do you, sir?"

Roy then felt things were moving a little too fast. "What's your hurry?" 'She'll easily be able to grab the pizza if she's on top. I'll be pinned mercilessly to the couch!' "We've got time to shift around."

"Sir, I would like to be on top." 'I want THAT PIZZA!' As if to emphasize Riza's true thoughts her stomach gurgled. She looked down at her stomach and so did Mustang.

'Shit. This isn't going to work, but now I'm all excited. I can't just…just…ignore her hunger! What do I do?!'

Riza lay under the Colonel thinking 'Is he? Is he going to let me have some pizza?'

Roy sat back and allowed Riza to sit up. He cocked his head and with a wry smile said "I've got something better in mind to feed you with than that pizza."

Roy got up off the couch and picked up the pizza. He took it into the kitchen with him and rested it on the table. Riza sat up thinking 'How could ANYTHING be better than that cooling pizza?'

When Roy returned without a shirt and a bottle of whip cream Riza thought 'Okay…that could be better…' Roy handed the bottle of whip cream to Riza and swept her off her feet. As Roy walked with his First Lieutenant in his arms towards his bedroom she thought 'I guess I'll tire him out then have the pizza ALL to myself!'

Roy walked with Riza in his arms thinking 'Yes! Yes! I can do this! I don't get tired after sex I always want something to eat! And the pizza will be ALL MINE!'

* * *

Meanwhile in another dark corner of Central… 

Edward and Alphonse Elrich were on the run…again. This time they were being chased by Frank Archer and his newest subordinate Major Armstrong. They were also pursuing a strangely cowardly chimera. The two brothers found themselves on a residential part of the base at an odd hour of the night. Al's armor clanked on the sidewalk as Ed's smaller frame bounded ahead of him.

Al called out to Ed "Brother! Wait! Look! I think it went in there!"

Ed stopped short, no pun intended, and panted back to Al "That's the Colone's house!"

"I think it went in there, Brother!" said Al unaffected by their run.

Ed took a step closer to the picket fence surrounding the Colonel's house. "I don't know about this, Al." Ed grimaced at the very idea of helping out Mustang and said "I'm sure he could probably take care of this himself. I don't see any need to—"

"Brother! It's late at night! He's probably asleep! What if the chimera prowls up the stairs and into his bedroom?! Do you really think he sleeps with his glove on?! I think he's in danger!"

"Yeah? So what?" said Ed, still fuming about the last short joke Mustang made at Ed's expense.

"Brother!" said Al in his most pleading tone.

"Well, all—Aaaaaaaah!" Ed didn't get a chance to finish his assent. Al had already picked up his less statuesque brother and started up the walk towards the Colone's front door with Ed clamped under his large metal arm. Ed screamed "AL! PUT ME DOWN! I MEAN IT!"

"Brother! SH! We don't want to wake the Colonel!"

* * *

Meanwhile the Colonel and his guest were far from sleeping. Riza and Roy surprised themselves with how much they both enjoyed making love and were not overly anxious to get out of bed at that time. 

Ed and Al crept in the Colonel's front door and slowly took a few cautious steps into the living room. They heard some snarling noises coming from the kitchen and nodded to each other acknowledging that was where their prey was.

They poked their heads around the corner and spotted the Chimera sniffing a pizza box on the table. It took a nibble on the corner of the box and left it's teeth marks there.

Ed quickly clapped his hands and slapped the floor, both palms down sending a burst of energy gliding across the top of the tiles. It left no mark on the floor and missed it's target. The clap of Ed's hands alerted the hungry cowardly chimera to it's pursuer's presence and it went running off out the back door whimpering into the night.

"Brotherrrr! You scared it off!" whined Al.

A vein in Ed's forehead began to throb visibly from anger. He turned to his younger sibling and said "I was trying to slow it down!"

"Well it looks like you sped it up to me!" said Al as he went to the back door. He looked out the open door and looked out into the quiet night. "We'll never find it now!" said Al.

And he was right. The cowardly chimera was gone. "Dammit! And we were so close! We've got nothing to go on now." Ed balled his fists in frustration and then looked at what the Chimera was chewing on before he left. "Wait a second…"

Al turned at the sound of hope in his brother's voice. "What is it, Brother?" Al turned to see a sly smile on Ed's face.

Ed said "This chimera of ours left some evidence on this box." Ed lifted the pizza box with his one mechanical hand.

Ed cocked his head in concern when Al gasped "Huh! Brother! Behind you!"

Lieutenant Colonel Frank Archer and Major Armstrong were standing in the kitchen doorway. "We'll be taking that, Full Metal" said Archer as he plucked the box from Ed's hand. Frank turned and handed the box to Armstrong. "Here, these teeth marks may be useful evidence in our investigation. Be sure to have any residue or markings thoroughly checked at the lab."

Ed blurted out without regard for anyone who may be sleeping in the house "AND WHY IS IT THAT YOU THINK YOU CAN COME IN HERE AND TAKE OUR EVIDENCE, HUH, ARCHER?"

Archer very seriously walked over to Ed and leaned over so they were nose to nose. His piercing eyes looked gravely into Ed's golden orbs and he said "Because I'm prettier than you." Archer then stood straight up and walked out the back door, leaving Armstrong there to pick up the pizza box.

Ed's anger was bubbling over and he spilled it out onto Armstrong "MAJOR!"

"I'm sorry Edward, but Archer is my superior officer" he said as he lifted the box off the table. "I must do what he says."

"Come on Armstrong" called Archer from outside.

Armstrong felt guilt bubble up within him. He then looked at the brother's and said "However, if anything were to fall out of the box I doubt I could be held accountable for such an innocent accident."

Armstrong tilted the box and squeezed the box precisely so one narrow side of the box opened up. The pizza slid out onto the table and the aroma filled the room. Al took a few plodding steps to the back door after Armstrong, but stopped when he realized his brother was entranced by the pizza on the table. "Brother? Aren't we going to—"

Before Al finished his sentence Ed had finished the pizza. "AArrrgmf argmfle Yeah Al? C'mon! argmfff aargmm Let's go!" With that the two Elrich brother's were off to pursue Archer, Armstrong and the highly coveted chimera chewed pizza box.

* * *

First Lieutenant Hawkeye and Colonel Mustang lay in his bed both wide awake. Riza's stomach groweled and Roy thought 'Shit, I should have thought this one through. Dammit. She's wide awake, and her stomach is growling.' Roy yawned long and loud. 'CRAP! Now _I'M_ the one who's sleepy!' 

'Good' thought Riza 'As soon as the Colonel's eyes shut I can get a slice!' Riza sat up in the buff and walked towards the door.

Roy blurted out, a bit suspicious "Where are you going?"

Riza turned and looked over her bare shoulder at the Colonel who lay, propped up on his elbow "To the bathroom, sir."

'Damn! I can't make a run for it now! It would be suspicious.'

'This is perfect. I can go to the bathroom or to the kitchen!' thought Riza. She took a robe off the back of the door and covered herself. She closed the bedroom door behind her and walked towards the kitchen. She could smell it but didn't see it anywhere. Her mind spun 'Where is it? What happened to it?' She felt nature calling and had to abandon any search for the pizza for the bathroom.

Roy sat up in bed, the sheets covering his lap. He got out of bed and put on a t-shirt and a pair of clean boxers. He walked to the kitchen, trying to be casual. When he arrived he saw the pizza was gone. He heard the toilet flush and Riza washing her hands. She came out of the bathroom and saw Roy looking dumbfounded in the kitchen door. 'Did she eat the ENTIRE thing? Where's the box?'

Riza approached her Colonel and sternly said "Where is it, sir?"

Roy turned to her and said "I was just about to ask you that same thing."

The two soldiers glared at each other angry that the other was hiding the pizza. Riza narrowed her eyes after a moment and said "Wait…." 'Why would he waste time glaring at me if he knew where it was? He would probably tell me to go back to bed…' "You really don't know?"

"No, but, Lieutenant I'm sure you do! Where is it?" asked Roy in a commanding voice.

"Sir, if I knew where it was I wouldn't waste time standing here looking at you."

Roy nodded realizing she was right. The bamboozled couple looked off through the back door at the rising sun. "But where is it?" asked Roy.

"I have no idea" said Riza.

Roy sighed loudly and shrugged his shoulders. He turned to Riza casually and said "Let's go back to bed. There's still half a can of whip cream left."

He was expecting Riza's stern protest, but instead she nonchalantly said "Sure. Why not?"

The couple then returned to the bedroom and forgot all about the pizza. They would investigate it on Monday.

* * *

Please R&R. I"m just getting started with thes FMA fics so please be gentle. 


End file.
